Caraval by Stephanie Garber | Review

1/5 Stars.

Basically, this an old review but I love it so much I have to post it here. Oops?

TRIGGER WARNING: this one slipped my attention while reading, purely because I was bored, but I feel it is important to add that this book features parent x child abuse which isn’t dealt with.

WARNING: this review will be a rant, there may be unmarked spoilers. This is also a highly unpopular opinion so if you want to come at me telling me I’m wrong or didn’t understand the book I will punch you in the nose from how mad this book made me. Also, there is a high amount of swearing, which I usually don’t try to put in my reviews but I am so angry. (:

“Whatever you’ve heard about Caraval, it doesn’t compare to the reality. It’s more than just a game or a performance. It’s the closest you’ll ever find to magic in this world.”

Caraval was a book I knew I’d hate, I wasn’t even excited for it. Then shallow me saw the inside cover and had to read it. Even after Caitlin, who I share similar opinions with, was disappointed. Even after it was repeatedly compared to The Night Circus, which I also hated. So, big fuck you to shallow Amber for making me waste my time.

If you haven’t read the book and didn’t adhere to my warning at the top of this review, I highly recommend you skedaddle because I am about to go into the characters. So, bye, come back if you hate this book.

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For a book where the only review I saw that wasn’t a five was Caitlin’s, the character’s were so dumb and one-dimensional. They literally had to state everything that was happening. It was infuriating to read after the ridiculous description we had had to read of almost every item. This book would have been a lot shorter without the unnecessary metaphors for everything. It was tiring.

But, anyway, let’s talk about this shit storm of characters.

First, we have the dumb asspossible whore(not slut shaming just stating it could be a fact), and ninja turtle of a sister. Now, you may be like, ‘where did the ninja turtle part come from?’ Well, my friends, her name is Donatella.

So, how did I picture this dimwitted sister the whole time?

Much like this:

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A giant turtle with a purple eye band.

Then add this gif – because for some reason we were meant to think that Julian and Ninja Turtle had hooked up.

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Moving on, we have the oh so romantic kidnapper known as Julian. Now, you may be like ‘woah, a kidnapper?! Are we meant to like him?!‘ Don’t worry, his brown muscles will distract from that. Nothing else matters because he has brown muscles and a solid chest.

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Have you forgotten he kidnapped the main character (who I am looking forward to shitting on next)? Me neither. The fact he never called Scarlett by her real name, favouring “Crimson” instead, really irked me. She corrected him onceand left it. I’ve had people call me Amanda for a year, and I corrected them every single time, so it irked me that Scarlett was that weak of a character she wouldn’t stand up for herself.

Now, let’s talk about Scarlett. Honestly, the most dim-witted character I have ever read. She was so stupid that it made this book a struggle. Her absolute inability to do anything correctly, the fact she couldn’t solve the clues and the fact she was so hopelessly okay with almost everything was infuriating.

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Now, you may be waiting for a representation of Scarlett. I got nothing. I basically pictured her as an ‘attractive’ blob on legs. Oops. Add that to a blushing virgin and you have Scarlett, the girl who could barely look a male character in the eye.

The plot was even worse. When you have a book with the preface of “it’s all a game” and “nothing is real”, it’s going to be fucking boring when you try to add 6385923759 plot twists at the end that are dumbdumb. Everything about it had me spluttering in anger and sending Caitlin 80 billion messages.

Honestly, I can’t even begin to express my utter anger and hatred for this book. It is literally told over a week and somehow there’s a fucking love story too. Don’t even get me started on that shit. My notes for it are just: “this is so fucking DUMB” – exact copy and paste from my notes.

Ugh, I am still so angry about this book, I don’t even want to see it if I can’t kick it 169238048 kilometres away from me. I also don’t even want to get into the Legend shit that happened or the “oh no you’ve been fooled” or whatever the fuck happened.

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To make this even better, I just went through my friends ratings and I’ve rated it the lowest. So, here’s for an unpopular opinion. I mean, I didn’t even buy into the hype, how am I this disappointed?

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8 thoughts on “Caraval by Stephanie Garber | Review

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